


Hard Fall

by shajs



Series: Hard Fall [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-04
Updated: 2012-11-04
Packaged: 2017-11-17 23:09:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/554220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shajs/pseuds/shajs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard, a high-ranking Cerberus agent, is sent to capture humanity’s first Spectre Kaidan Alenko after he receives a vision from a Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. Turns out, the vids do him no justice — and Shepard finds himself struggling with his loyalties. Written for ME Big Bang. Illustrated by Sammvitch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sci-fi-crimes](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=sci-fi-crimes).



> The original idea and prompt by [sci-fi-crimes](http://sci-fi-crimes.tumblr.com) on tumblr — hope you enjoy this!
> 
> Betaed by _wonderful_ [prettysemmy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysemmy), and without her support, I doubt I could have done this at all. Also a huge thank you to [spicyshimmy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyshimmy) for helping me when I freaked out after the first check point and was convinced I shouldn't have signed up at all. And a big hug to [Sam](http://sammvitch.tumblr.com) who stepped in as a pinch hitter not too long before the final deadline!

Humanity had a Spectre now. A biotic, too, with a handsome face.  
  
Shepard wondered if he should feel something about that. Pride, maybe, or admiration. _You make humanity proud_ , was what they were saying in the ceremony. Should he be in awe?  
  
He wasn't. The guy was cute and probably a good soldier, but being a Spectre meant he was just another pawn for the Council, and no amount of beauty or impressive titles would change that.  
  
”He could be a great asset for humanity,” the man sitting on the only chair in the room said, aiming at the screen with a cigarette. Shepard looked at the guy he was pointing at again, the Spectre; the hair that would have looked silly on most men, but not on him, and the serious face, the steady stare.  
  
”He’s Alliance,” Shepard pointed out, moving a little forward and switching his attention to the scenery in front of them and behind the holographic screens, the burning sun way too close to where they were for him to feel comfortable. ”Major Alenko.”  
  
”He’s a human, Shepard.”  
  
Shepard turned around, walking around the chair. ”A high-ranking Alliance officer working for the Council,” he recited, stopping behind the chair, but not turning around to face the back of the Illusive Man’s head. ”I’m surprised you’d consider that a potential ally. We’re terrorists, when it comes to any of them.”  
  
”An asset, I said.”  
  
Shepard was still not impressed and left with a shrug, leaving the man he worked for sitting with his screens and his star burning in too close a distance and his cigarettes, the lit one between his fingers, a trail of smoke swirling and disappearing in the air.


	2. Introductions

He had given the order, assembled the team. He was responsible.  
  
The beacon had been lost.  
  
”So, you’re saying that the beacon was damaged in the firefight following Major Alenko’s arrival?” Shepard repeated, voice blank and face all neutral. ”And he was caught up in some sort of a... what was it? ray of light coming from the beacon?”  
  
Jacob Taylor nodded, accepting the scrutiny without blinking. ”Spectre Alenko passed out, and the beacon self-destructed. I ordered a retreat, but stayed behind for a minute, and before the Alliance got Alenko out he woke up and kept saying something about Protheans and war. He was pretty delirious, and I left. Harvey managed to intercept another Alliance transmission on our way back however, and it seems Alenko might have received some sort of a vision from the beacon.”  
  
Shepard listened, carefully weighing his fellow operative’s words. ”A vision about Protheans and war? Is that what you’re saying?”  
  
Taylor shrugged, but when Shepard watched closely, he could see this was exactly what the man was suggesting.  
  
”Studies suggest Protheans vanished after a huge galactic civil war. Maybe this beacon is a warning left by someone who saw it coming and hoped to warn everyone?” It wasn't a lot, but it was a theory; and really, it wasn't Shepard’s place to guess, anyway. ”In any case, I’ll speak with the Illusive Man. I trust you did everything you could.”  
  
Taylor nodded and saluted, leaving Shepard to figure out how he was going to survive this particular failure. _I should have gone_ , he thought for the fifth time in the past five minutes despite knowing perfectly well that Taylor had been an obvious choice, and better suited for a mission involving impersonating an Alliance officer and cheating them into giving them the beacon willingly anyway; he just couldn’t get rid of the feeling his presence could have changed something.  
  
At least he would have something else but second-hand knowledge on the issue now.  
  
With a sigh, Shepard brought up his omnitool and requested a meeting. The Illusive Man wasn’t exactly reasonable, but he wasn’t stupid, and he had been good for Shepard ever since Cerberus had rescued him from the batarians after... after what had happened, back then.  
  
 _So, Shepard_ , he imagined the Illusive Man saying, _the Prothean beacon._ And he would explain: _There were complications_ , and the other man would light a cigarette and remind him of how much he owed Cerberus even without losing major archeological findings. It was emotionally manipulative, but it was also something Shepard had gotten used to by now. The head of Cerberus knew which strings to pull to get results.  
  
It didn’t take long for the Illusive Man to reply, to call Shepard in, and the conversation went like anticipated; Shepard calmly taking the brunt of his silent treatment when he went through Taylor’s written report, and finally the name rolling off his tongue: _Shepard_. Shepard standing to attention, face showing nothing; the Illusive Man telling him _losing this beacon is very bad for humanity_ , and Shepard knowing perfectly well he was being judged.  
  
”I don’t see how I could have prevented this from happening,” he said, not flinching when the older man dumped the cigarette on the ashtray with more force than necessary.  
  
”I see,” was all he got as an answer.  
  
Shepard waited, keeping his posture straight and proud. Eventually, the Illusive Man would let go and move forward; acknowledge the last part of Taylor’s story.  
  
In 15 minutes, he did.  
  
”If Alenko received something from the beacon, all might not be lost,” he said more to himself than to Shepard, skimming through the report again. Shepard brought up his omnitool and made a connection to the Illusive Man’s holographic screens to send a few files for them to look at.  
  
”Taylor forwarded me everyone’s reports on this. All of them state the same thing.” He highlighted everything concerning the beacon and Spectre Alenko; six paragraphs of text and the whole Alliance transmission intercepted by Harvey Green, all there right in front of their eyes. ”I can bring him to Cerberus for questioning. Green is working on determining Alenko’s whereabouts right now.”  
  
The Illusive Man ignored the files and stared at him, an inscrutable look in his prosthetic eyes. ”It would gain unnecessary attention if the only human Spectre just disappeared.”  
  
Shepard shrugged. ”What choice do we have? All that’s left of that beacon is in Alenko’s head. We need him if we want to have that intel.” He pointed at a line of text right next to him. ” _’Major Alenko needs immediate medical attention.’_ Sounds like he’s hospitalized. Probably on Citadel, somewhere.”  
  
”And what, exactly, are you planning on doing after finding him?” The man lit another cigarette, and for a second Shepard just wanted to snatch it and stamp on it.  
  
He, of course, resisted the urge. ”Maybe it’s too risky to try anything, but I could go meet him. Try to earn his trust. And when he’s cleared, it would be easier for me to get him alone and capture him without a fight.”  
  
Shepard didn’t even know why he felt so strongly about this. It was a chance to make up to losing the beacon, of course, and a way back to the Illusive Man’s good graces, but that didn’t really require him to go meet the guy and ― whatever it was that he was even suggesting. Making friends? Asking him out?  
  
”In any case, I could keep an eye on him.”  
  
The Illusive Man stared at him some more, smoke swirling from his cigarette. Eventually, he sighed, grumbling, ”Fine. I don’t have time for this.” _Grumbling_.  
  
Shepard took it as his cue to leave.

 

 

——

 

Finding the first human Spectre hadn’t been that hard. The man had checked ― or, had been checked ― in Huerta Memorial Hospital with his own name, and it didn’t take much to walk to the front desk and ask for Kaidan Alenko. _Are you a reporter?_ was the only thing the receptionist asked, and when he replied _no_ he was clear to go.  
  
It was pretty lousy, in his opinion.  
  
 _Excessive headaches and nightmares_ , was pretty much all there had been on the hospital’s file concerning the Spectre; no mention of a Prothean artifact, and nothing on the nature of his nightmares — what he had been dreaming of and how vividly. Those were probably not on any files, anyway; not yet, at least not before Alenko was in the shape to write everything down for the Alliance and the Council.  
  
He had been researching Kaidan Alenko before he had left the Cerberus headquarters. The man was a boy scout if there ever was one; an Alliance soldier to the core. A powerful biotic, enlisted at the age of 22; lots of commendations and promotions in the following years, current rank Major; and then there was the recently acquired Spectre status. To say the man’s career was impressive was an understatement.

 

 

art by amazing [**Sammvitch**](http://sammvitch.tumblr.com/post/34972879582/art-based-on-and-created-for-hard-fall-by-shajs)

  
Shepard paused at the doorway, looking through the glass door at the hospital room with a neatly made bed and a large window. The Spectre was standing near it, gazing at the Presidium; straight, strong back against a beautiful view, hands resting on the railing separating the room from the glass. White sweatpants, a loose t-shirt; clothes that were not meant to flatter anyone but the man looked great anyway.  
   
Suddenly, Shepard felt a bit unsure of himself. Not that he admitted it; not to himself, anyway. Instead, he kept staring for a moment longer, allowing his eyes to roam over the Spectre’s backside like they were in Purgatory instead of the best hospital in the Citadel.  
  
But he doubted anyone could blame him for taking a moment to admire the... View.  
  
He stepped into the door’s sensor’s radar and it opened with a swooshing sound. Alenko turned, maybe expecting a nurse or a doctor; and when he saw Shepard, he froze for a second, brown eyes taking in the sight of the man closing in. Shepard didn’t care; instead, he walked to the window, making sure to brush his shoulder against Alenko’s when he leaned on the railing.  
  
Alenko didn’t move.  
  
”A nice view,” Shepard commented, half-heartedly looking at the people coming and going quite a few floors down. Not really seeing them, of course; he wasn’t interested in what was happening somewhere to some random people not wearing soft-looking sweatpants and closed expression just at the edge of his personal space.  
  
Alenko didn’t reply, not right away at least; after a while he settled back next to him though, and Shepard enjoyed the tension. The Spectre’s presence made him feel warmer, and there was certain gravity ― like something existing between a moon and the planet it was orbiting, if that was not a terribly corny thing to say.  
  
Eventually, Alenko shifted and said, _yeah_. Then there was another silence ― a couple of long minutes of silence, and Shepard didn’t push. Instead he took pleasure in having the upper hand, of being the one to know the drill and hold the cards. He could see Alenko staring at him in his peripheral vision, and the corner of his mouth quirked to a small smirk.  
  
 _So, tell me. What’s a handsome Spectre like you doing in a place like this?_ he wanted to say, and he turned his head; met Alenko’s eyes half-way and opened his mouth, only the line didn’t feel like an appropriate opening line anymore.  
  
The metaphor about planets and moons was not accurate, he realized, as a star and a planet would have made so much more sense. Not that it was like staring at a sun, to watch this Spectre so close ― but there was something that made it hard to look into those eyes, now that his face was within reach. Gentle and expressive, his eyes were, like they hadn’t seen any of the fighting it must have taken him to reach the rank Major, let alone the Spectre status; and Shepard couldn’t help averting his gaze after a heartbeat of eye contact, an awkward feeling taking him by surprise.  
  
”Did you need something?” Alenko asked, not exactly friendly but far from cold, and there was a hint of amusement in his voice. Shepard cursed inwardly for being so obvious, only now remembering to shut his mouth. He scrambled for an excuse ― completely forgetting why he had come at all.  
  
”Yeah,” he managed, leaving it at that.  
  
Alenko waited, and even if he felt awkward his face didn’t show much. A great poker face, surely ― one to match Shepard’s own, if they ever sat down to play. _A round of Skyllian Five_ , he added in his mind, _not the game we’re playing now, because something tells me I’m losing_. Nevertheless, it was not like he allowed it to stop him; instead, he decided to raise the stakes and plunge head-first forward, hoping to stagger and win.  
  
It had suddenly become a high risk, high reward kind of mission, and a very personal one at that.  
  
Shepard inched closer, causing Alenko to cross his arms over his chest and lean his back on the railing.  
  
”You know, I knew you were a biotic the moment I saw you. There was this certain _pull_ , you could say,” Shepard said calmly, raising his eyes to meet Alenko’s; this time knowing well enough what to expect. Or not ― the man was full of surprises, it seemed. Usually Shepard was such a good judge of character, but now he had been thrown off his game.  
  
The corner of Alenko’s mouth twitched. ”Or you’ve watched the news lately.”  
  
”That, too.” Shepard shrugged and gave the man a smile. It seemed like his gambling was paying off, or then Alenko stopped himself from grimacing instead of grinning. It was certainly possible ― at least if he counted out the slight crinkling around the man’s eyes.  
  
 _The Spectre has a sense of humor_ , he thought idly. Who knew.  
  
He extended his hand, waiting for Alenko to grab it. Palm to palm; a strong grip on an equally firm hold.  
  
”Shepard,” he introduced himself.  
  
”Kaidan,” came the reply.  
  
Shepard didn’t let go, not of his hand and definitely not of his eyes, and Alenko ― _Kaidan_ , now, was the first to back down. It might not have been a victory, but it felt like one.  
  
”So,” Shepard started, only to have Kaidan ― _and that’s a nice name if there ever was one_ , he thought randomly ― chuckle and breathe, ”Yeah.”  
  
It was definitely not something he had been expecting.  
  
This whole meeting ― something was definitely off when a man like Shepard was reduced back to the awkward teen trying to impress the boy from his class. The boy he had, in the end, managed to impress ― but that was unrelated. _Want to make out?_ would not have worked if they had been older than fifteen.  
  
”Want to go out?” he blurted instead, not thinking about the Illusive Man or the Protheans or the single gray strand of hair right there next to Kaidan’s ear. Then _his_ ears turned red when he realized what he had said, and there was this brief moment of desperate need to jump through the glass.  
  
Instead of committing impromptu suicide, he kept staring at the Spectre’s face, keeping his own as straight as possible. It was pretty much the only thing that he could do to save face at this point; to separate his current 29-year-old adult self from the kid that had accidentally bitten his classmate’s lower lip when they had been caught in the act. And it paid off; there were changes in Kaidan’s demeanor, eyes blinking in surprise and mouth opening just a little, and he knew his blundering had just tipped the balance to his favor.  
  
”Uh,” Kaidan said.  
  
It took conscious effort for Shepard to stop himself from grinning at that. ”There is this great place at the Presidium,” he suggested. ”Great food and plenty of good lagers to choose from, I hear. A friend of mine recommended their steak sandwiches.”  
  
Kaidan closed his mouth and pursed his lips, and Shepard couldn’t help noticing the barely visible scars; the big one starting below his nose and crossing his lips, ending before reaching his chin, and the smaller, horizontal one touching his lower lip.  
  
It was distracting.  
  
”This, uh.” Kaidan cleared his throat. ”This conversation has been the weirdest thing I have experienced in a long time. And I did take a big hit to the head a while back.”  
  
This time, Shepard grinned, crossing his arms on his chest. ”I don’t like to be predictable.”  
  
”I... Can see that. Shepard.” Alenko tore his eyes off the other man’s face, glancing at the room around them; and Shepard could see him thinking, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. He knew the guy would turn him down a moment before he truly responded, speaking in a hushed voice, and when Kaidan turned to leave, Shepard let him. _Think about it, Kaidan_ was all he said; and the Spectre glanced at him, looking slightly lost.  
  
It was disappointing, of course, but hardly a surprise, and Kaidan’s line _now is not a good time_ was vague enough to convince Shepard the man was not really against the idea. It made him wonder if there was something he didn’t know, though ― if Alenko was going to be sent on another mission already, or if there was something else he should have been aware of. He was here on Cerberus’ behalf, after all, no matter how the man made him feel.  
  
Shrugging, Shepard laid his eyes on Kaidan’s back, finding out that staying behind the Spectre wasn’t a bad place to be at all.


	3. Cold on Noveria

The cold had hit him the moment he had stepped out of the shuttle on Port Hanshan. It was Noveria, alright; Shepard wished he had brought a sweater. He wasn’t wearing much under his armor, and the brisk −25 degrees Celsius temperature made him shiver despite the suit’s internal heating system.  
  
Damn Cerberus and damn their orders.  
  
 _Kaidan Alenko left for Noveria, yesterday. Suit up, Shepard; you’re going to get him._ Of course it was Noveria; why would the Spectre have gone to a pleasant garden world, or at least to somewhere with the mean temperature above 0 degrees? And of course he had had to leave for Noveria right when its weather was at its worst, cold winds blowing puffs of snow around, making the almost liveable −25 degrees feel like it was twenty degrees colder.  
  
To make matters even worse, Kaidan wasn’t there on a holiday. It was a given, as Noveria wasn’t a place anyone would pick as their vacation spot, but a man could always wish for things to be easy, just for once. What Shepard had gathered from the hacked files and from talking with the locals, the Spectre was investigating the science facility that had gone dark a week ago. Some survivors had been telling stories about huge acid-spitting creatures with razor-sharp claws, and that had caught the Council’s attention; apparently, wild stories were enough for them to send a Spectre to investigate.  
  
When Shepard arrived at the Peak 15 facility, he started to think the Council had been right to worry.  
  
Something was definitely off; he could feel it. The eery atmosphere hit him like the wind had, earlier, when he had parked the vehicle near the door and jumped out, hoping for the storm to wait another day before lashing out at full force. It was silent, lights flickering and dying like there was something wrong with the electricity, and judging from the cold air the heating systems had failed a good while ago. Windows were broken, and it had snowed inside.  
  
And then, when he moved forward, he saw the first bodies.  
  
Shepard would never admit it, but seeing the half-frozen, mutilated corpses ― some had huge holes in their chests! ― in the flickering lights scared him shitless. Some of them were armored; the security had tried to evacuate the building, no doubt, only ending up sacrificing themselves for the scientists that laid closer to the door. What terrified him the most, though, was the way the armor had been burned and pierced like it had been nothing.  
  
Maybe the acid-spitting part hadn’t been just exaggeration, after all.  
  
Or the part about the razor-sharp claws.  
  
He picked his way through the hall and a hallway, opening a malfunctioning door stuck half-way by force. The place might have been a clean science laboratory, once, but now he pretty much expected _anything_ to jump out from somewhere, because _something_ had killed all those people, and despite Alenko’s arrival, they must have still been present. He didn’t see any monster corpses, after all.  
  
Something moved in his peripheral vision, and Shepard turned his head. There was nothing, but he could hear things; something like claws connecting to a steel floor, and a... distant shriek.  
  
Yeah, the Illusive Man would really owe him.  
  
Gun ready, Shepard moved past what looked like a break room of sorts, a table turned over and a broken chair lying half-buried in snow. There were more bodies, like they had tried to defend themselves here, but he ignored them and focused on a set of foot prints, instead; now that he was in a slightly more covered spot and wind hadn’t yet covered the Spectre’s tracks, he could clearly see where Alenko had headed.  
  
At least he knew he was on the right track. Unless, of course, there was someone else here... But from the looks of it, it was unlikely.  
  
Some _one_ else, at least; not something.  
  
Another shriek made him spin around, gun ready, but again he ended up staring at an empty corner. Bare walls made sounds echo, and it was really hard to make sense at where the noises really came from. Truthfully, it was nerve-wracking, and briefly, he considered leaving. To just check in a nice hotel and wait for the other man to return after he was done here; how long would it take a Spectre ― the Alliance’s big star ― to solve the mystery behind all this, anyway?  
  
But it, as he very well knew, was way too risky. One man against gods know how many of these... monsters was simply too much. He had to reach Kaidan and drag him out of here before the weather got as bad as they had forecast or they would be stuck here, at the mercy of these ― whatever these creatures even were. He would have to hurry.  
  
Silently moving from room to room, he worked his way forward until he could hear gun firing close ahead. Holding his own rifle in a tight grip he sped up, seeing the first creature casualties; the bloodied remains of a couple of... insects, it looked like, very large, ugly insects, splattered and shot and very much _dead_. He overstepped the corpses, only to come face to face with a living one in the next minute ― or, face to back, as it was, the thing’s attention on the fighting ahead, and Shepard took a clean shot before it was able to turn around.  
  
Unfortunately, the gunshot also let the others know he was there.  
  
Several of the monsters appeared in the doorway, shrieking and spitting... something, and he barely managed to duck out of the way. It didn’t make him miss as he dropped the nearest one with a single shot, but it made him falter while aiming for the second.  
  
 _I suppose this is where the fun starts._ There had been a time, once, when he would have enjoyed shooting large, aggressive insects ― shooting anything, really. And a time he wouldn’t have cared for his own life, allowing him to take risks and win big.  
  
Once.  
  
Grimacing, Shepard rolled behind a door frame, taking cover while replacing the thermal clip. He peeked around the corner and took aim, pulling the trigger ―  
  
And the creature was thrown to the nearest wall with enough force for it to splatter on the hard material with a disgusting sound. For a fraction of a second, Shepard stared at the spot where the creature had been until something hit him in the arm. Hissing, he corrected his aim and shot the bastard just as the first human Spectre came into his vision.  
  
He looked rugged, but there were no visible wounds; his stride was steady, and his armor looked intact. There was some damage, but nothing had gotten through; not through his barriers, and certainly not through the ablative ceramics. It was a relief.  
  
Shepard got up, briefly inspecting the damage on his own armor ― the spit hadn’t penetrated the material, but it had left a mark looking like an acid burn ― before greeting Alenko.  
  
”What’s a handsome Spectre like you doing in a place like this?” he said, this time using the line he had nurtured for so long. Coming from inside a helmet to inside one took a lot of it away, and he didn’t even take their environment into account, but hey ― he really needed to get that out of his system.  
  
Kaidan stared at him through his visor, slipping his assault rifle to the magnetic lock on his back. ”Shepard?”  
  
”Don’t sound so surprised,” Shepard told him, grinning. ”I said I wasn’t predictable.”  
  
It didn’t make Kaidan’s eyes any less wide, and after staring at them for a moment ― a very silent, _speechless_ and slightly awkward moment ― Shepard shifted and shrugged. ”I’m here on Binary Helix’s behalf. Something about large deadly insects taking over their labs? Ring a bell?”  
  
He wasn’t sure if Alenko bought his hastily thought out story.  
  
But, he supposed, the man had no reason not to.  
  
”In all honesty, I don’t know why _you_ are here. I had the impression that they didn’t want to draw anyone’s attention to this. Especially not the Council’s.” Shepard holstered his weapon. ”I mean, you are here on Council business, right? Or has the Alliance started to send people on solo missions, now?”  
  
The Spectre frowned, mouth twisting, and Shepard thought about the scars he couldn’t see from under the helmet.  
  
”What do you know about the Alliance, Shepard?” the man asked.  
  
Shepard just flashed a grin. ”You’d be surprised about how much you learn from movies, Spectre Alenko,” he said. ”Although I prefer Blastos, and those don’t really teach anything useful at all. I mean, I don’t have tentacles.”  
  
”These things kind of do, though.” Kaidan kicked the creature the other man had gunned down, earlier, and its body turned over, huge black eyes staring into nothing in a very human-like fashion. Shepard couldn’t look at it for long.  
  
”They are feelers, not tentacles. Blasto would be offended.”  
  
Kaidan almost-smiled, giving him a side-eye. ”Is meeting you always like this, Shepard?” he asked, the same crinkles around his eyes as before in Huerta Memorial. ”You randomly showing up in the most unlikely places, telling jokes — not that I’m complaining, mind you. Would be nice to have someone else with a gun fighting for a common goal for a change.”  
  
Shepard grinned. ”A common goal.” He stepped past the man, turning his head enough to look at the man’s eyes, closer now. ”That’s something we do have, Major Spectre.” He faced the space he was headed to, the snow and the boot prints and the monster blood, their guts, their lifeless corpses. He thought about the way he almost felt the Spectre moving behind him, following him when he started towards where Alenko had been fighting before.  
  
Somehow, he was going to turn them around and get them out before it was too late.  
  
Just... not this soon.

 

——

 

It had been one hell of an experience, to fight alongside the Spectre. It was not just about the biotics ― although they were beyond impressive; it was more about how their fighting styles complemented each other, and how little time it took them to start fighting together, as a team, instead of as two individuals fighting in the same room against a common enemy. Kaidan lifted their enemies, threw them around, and Shepard shot them to their heads when they were helpless; and nothing could surprise them from behind, as both of them kept eye on their backs. Shepard had never had the chance to take Kaidan on that date, to share a dinner and a few drinks in Purgatory or perhaps Dark Star Lounge, but fighting might as well count as dancing. The way they were aware of each other’s bodies, of their ragged breaths and the state of their shields and heat sinks; the way they didn’t need to talk to know where they were going to be and what they were going to do. It was better than actual dancing, no matter how nice it would have been to be close to one another without two thick layers of protective gear between them.  
  
 _All in all_ , Shepard thought, _things could be a lot worse_. Being stuck in an abandoned science facility with deadly giant insects all over the place with just barely enough medigel and food to go by was no doubt bad, but at least he had good company.  
  
If he was being completely honest, he kind of enjoyed it.  
  
Alenko was bringing the station VI back online down in the VI core and Shepard fiddled with his gun, keeping watch. He had tried to contact his back up again, but it had been to no avail; the storm had hit earlier than he had expected and they were stuck. It seemed he really didn’t have any other choice but to keep close to Kaidan and make sure they both survived this, whatever it was that they were going to do. And it wasn’t that bad, getting to share rations and experiences with a handsome and skilled biotic, especially when he was the one to take rear.  
  
”Not that I’m being inpatient or anything,” Shepard called, ”but how long will this take?”  
  
”Not helping, Shepard,” came the reply, but right after that, the lights flickered and the man got back up. The VI came to life; a hologram greeted them, and the gentle female voice gave them partial access after Kaidan identified himself as a Council-appointed special operative.  
  
Apparently, getting to the heart of the facility wouldn’t be as easy as they had hoped. They’d have to reactivate the reactor core and then get to the roof to fix the landlines before they could take the tram to the Rift Station, which, in itself, wouldn’t take them much forward. They had had to fight for every meter they moved forward, and from what the VI told them, the situation in the labs was even worse. It was where the creatures had come from, after all.  
  
Shepard didn’t curse, and neither did Kaidan. They just moved in unison, Shepard first, and when he opened the door to the elevator leading to the main reactor, he ended up face-to-face with another one of _those things_. Kaidan reacted behind him without thinking, lifting it off the ground before it could get over its surprise and attack.  
  
Shepard gunned it down, after. ”Thanks,” he just stated like countless times before, knowing he would get to repay the favor in no time.  
  
Kaidan knew it, too, and didn’t tell him _you’re welcome_.  
  
The elevator moved slowly, hitching at times like the shaft was too tight for it, and Shepard fought the horrible feeling of claustrophobia trying to sneak in. ”A volus, a turian, and a human walk into a bar,” he started.  
  
Kaidan took off his helmet momentarily to wipe the sweat off his forehead. His hair was messed up, and when he looked at Shepard below the damp curls _almost_ getting to his eyes, Shepard’s heart skipped a beat.  
  
 _Damn_.  
  
”I forgot the punchline,” he admitted.  
  
Kaidan chuckled anyway, or maybe he just laughed at him. Either way, Shepard couldn’t stop himself from raising his hand to brush the man’s hair out of the way.  
  
”When we get out of here,” Kaidan said then, cheeks looking warm and eyes even warmer. ”I might take up on your offer.”  
  
Shepard withdrew his hand but stayed close, wondering what the man was talking about.  
  
”You know, the steak sandwiches you mentioned?”  
  
A rush of delight made Shepard grin uncontrollably before he regained some sort of composure. It was embarrassing, really; but the man had taken him by surprise with that one. ”Yeah, sure,” he uttered, almost stumbling the second word in his haste. Kaidan smiled at him, and this time, Shepard knew it wasn’t because he had told a joke.  
  
Tried to tell a joke, and failed at it.  
  
But it was okay, he found out, because Kaidan had a nice, affectionate smile. He, himself, felt his face try to mimic it, only to end up wincing, and he sighed. ”Might want a beer, too,” he muttered just as the elevator finally stopped at the — hopefully — right floor and the door opened almost completely.  
  
”After this, we both deserve a bottle of good old Canadian lager,” Kaidan told him, still smiling as he put his helmet back on. ”And a shot of whisky, now that I think about it.”  
  
Shepard agreed.

 

——

 

Finally, they had a moment for themselves. To eat and to rest, to gather their strength; to inspect their armors and replenish their inventory of heat sinks and protein bars. It was more than they could have hoped for. Just seeing other people — people who were alive — had lifted their spirits, and when Captain Ventralis had offered them a place to sleep for a few hours, Shepard had wanted to dance from how happy it made him.  
  
Not that he would, with Kaidan around. He still had some of his dignity left in the man’s eyes, after all.  
  
Shepard couldn’t strip out of his armor fast enough, though, when they got to the security’s quarters. Kaidan didn’t follow his example — instead, he watched Shepard shed his armor, piece by piece, until all he had on was his undersuit. ”You sure this is wise, Shepard? If the rachni attack and break through, we won’t have time to suit up.”  
  
Shepard shrugged, and Kaidan stared; almost like trying to get him to think about it. The moment lasted up until Shepard couldn’t take the intense stare anymore. Silence might have suited Kaidan, but he was more of an action kind of a guy, someone who kept going forward no matter what and just tried to dodge the grenades on his way; so when he toyed with the zipper of his undersuit, pulling it downwards, saying, _Suit yourself_ , he wasn’t really thinking about anything at all.  
  
Kaidan’s eyes followed the zipper before he caught himself, a blush coloring his cheekbones. Shepard blinked.  
  
”So, uh, anyway...” Kaidan turned his face away, taking a deep breath and scratching the back of his neck. He didn’t finish his sentence. And it was not like Shepard didn’t give him a chance to; it was more like... like there was _more_ , something the Spectre wanted but couldn’t voice.  
  
Maybe it was just Shepard projecting his hopes, but really, he could either obsess about it or do something. So he moved, sliding his body behind the other man’s; and when the man didn’t object, he brought his chest to his back. The hard material felt cool on his bared skin.  
  
”Come on,” he breathed, face close to Kaidan’s ear, hands on his shoulders. Then he slid his hands lower, looking for the clasps that held everything together, kept everything out. _Everyone_ out. ”Either you sleep badly for a few hours and wake up sore...” he changed his mind and reached to start from the gauntlets, trapping Kaidan against him in the process. ”... Or you let me take this thing off, and you actually get some decent rest before we have to start fighting for our lives again.” The glove came off.  
  
Kaidan turned his head a little, bumping his cheek on Shepard’s nose. ”I could do this myself.”  
  
Shepard knew the man wouldn’t see his smile, but he smiled anyway. ”I know.” _That’s the point._  
  
He knew what he was doing, and Kaidan was the one off-balance.  
  
He removed the remaining gauntlet and started with his armguards, breathing against the man’s cheek. A slight stubble grazed his face. He wanted to kiss him, if he was being honest with himself; to touch the cool skin with his lips, to feel the delicious friction of a five o’clock shadow, and the pleasant tingle afterwards when he pulled back. He thought about it when he unclasped the shoulder pads; then he thought about Kaidan’s lips when he moved to the chestplate.  
  
If Kaidan noticed the quickening of his pulse, he didn’t say. He stood completely still.  
  
The chestpiece, the backpiece; then Shepard landed his hands on the Spectre’s hips. ”Turn around,” he whispered, mouth against his temple.  
  
Kaidan inhaled.  
  
When he did turn, Shepard kneeled down, going for the leg plates. He didn’t miss how the man wet his lips, maybe nervously, or how he slightly cocked his hips — probably without even realizing it. So maybe Shepard leaned in a little bit closer than necessary, and maybe he could have focused his eyes on the fastening instead of Kaidan’s face... But then he would have missed all the details. The slight blush, the parted lips; the dark look in his eyes.  
  
Shepard forgot what he was doing.  
  
After a minute of staring, Kaidan cleared his throat. ”Need any help there?” he asked, a corner of his mouth quirking up to a crooked half-smile. Shepard switched his attention back to his hands, one on the Spectre’s thigh and the other on his butt, and with an embarrassed grin he resumed what he had been doing. It didn’t take him long to get rid of the rest of the leg armor, and when Kaidan helpfully lifted his feet, one at a time, the greaves came off; and then he wordlessly unclasped the remaining piece protecting his groin.  
  
When he got back to his feet, he didn’t raise his eyes to meet Kaidan’s.  
  
 _He’s half a head taller than me_ , he thought, focusing on the guy’s mouth instead. _Weird how I didn’t think of it before_. ”So,” he said out loud.  
  
”Yeah,” Kaidan agreed, scars twisting as he spoke.  
  
Shepard felt like he deserved a medal for managing to tear his eyes off the guy’s lips. ”Time to sleep, huh?” he said, bringing his hands to the zipper. ”Might get cold, though.” It was cold — but then again, he wasn’t wearing a shirt, whereas Kaidan, on the other hand, was, as he found out. And his zipper didn’t get stuck half-way like his did.  
  
”But don’t biotics run hot?” he asked then, sliding the stiff material down to the man’s hips. _Or is it just you?_  
  
”I don’t know, Shepard. Do they?”  
  
Shepard grinned. He couldn’t resist pulling his shirt a little, just so he could slip his hand beneath the material. The muscles tensed under his touch. ”You feel hot.”  
  
”Huh. And your hands are like ice.”  
  
Shepard couldn’t decide if that was his cue to withdraw or if it was merely a remark. ”I’m a little cold,” he admitted to fill in the silence before it became one, fingertips just beneath the hem of the shirt. Kaidan snorted.  
  
”Really?” He raised his hands to the edges of Shepard’s undersuit, pulling it until it bared his shoulders. ”I wouldn’t have guessed. I’m freezing just looking at you.” Shepard had goosebumps, and suddenly the operative was painfully aware of how his nipples were standing out in the cold — and it didn’t even have anything to do with Kaidan undressing him.  
  
Not that he minded.  
  
Just as he was about to say something, maybe _I don’t want you to freeze_ or something relating to it, Kaidan withdrew. ”Sorry,” he muttered, and took a step back, Shepard’s fingers slipping away. ”We should, you know — we should rest.” He turned his back on the other man and stripped to his shirt and his boxers, offering a nice view when he bent down, but Shepard had to hold back a groan of disappointment anyway. ”I, uh, I can take the upper bunk.”  
  
”Right.” _And here I was thinking we could both fit in the lower one._  
  
Kaidan climbed to his bed, leaving Shepard to stand in the cold, half-dressed and somewhat frustrated. It was really unfair how much he just wanted to tear the man down from the bunk and kiss that mouth, and slide his hands back under his shirt and feel the muscles again; to, maybe, take it off, and press their chests together, and — really, it was all sorts of wrong. Sighing, he finally shed his undersuit before sliding to the sleeping bag, glaring at the bunk above him.  
  
”The alarm goes off in four hours.” Kaidan’s voice reached him, and Shepard could see the orange gleam of an omnitool in his peripheral vision. Huffing, he turned to his side and pressed his face against the worn mattress.  
  
It didn’t take him long to fall asleep, but even then he was still seeing Kaidan watching him from under his eyelashes, the scars twisting when he smiled.

 

——

 

When Shepard jumped out of the vehicle and saw the Cerberus squad waiting for them in front of the garage door, his first thought was not _yes, good, thank god, at last_. When they noticed them, Kaidan climbing out, not yet aware of their presence, he thought _fuck, no_ , instead, and then automatically shielded the Spectre with his body before realizing how pointless it was.  
  
That was also the moment he realized he didn’t want to give Kaidan to Cerberus, and that it was a problem.  
  
In all honesty, he should have seen it coming. But somehow, he had ignored his feelings. It had been so easy to focus on the rachni, on their — no, on _Kaidan_ ’s mission, when they were cut off from the rest of the world and trapped in their own little bubble. Bubble filled with crazy aliens and damn cold air, but a bubble all the same.  
  
”Kaidan,” Shepard started, turning around to face the man. ”There’s something I should have told you.”  
  
The Spectre looked puzzled, furrowing his eyebrows a little. _What’s wrong_ , he asked, and as Shepard glanced at the approaching operatives he followed his gaze. Tensing, he repeated the question.  
  
Shepard looked genuinely distraught. Kaidan’s barrier flared.  
  
”Just don’t resist,” Shepard pleaded. _Pleaded_. If Kaidan wasn’t spooked before, he sure was now, reaching for his assault rifle. Shepard grabbed his arm, the helmet he had been holding in his hand clattering to the ground when he stepped closer. ”Don’t, they — they are Cerberus. They won’t hurt you, but you need to stay calm —”  
  
Kaidan glanced from the people closing in to Shepard and back, and then Shepard felt him pull away. Barrier now in full strength, he stepped back, energy pulsing around him, and when the operatives reached Shepard and the squad leader placed his hand on his shoulder, Kaidan’s face fell emotionless and cold, the blue of his barrier masking the darkness of his eyes. Slowly, he placed his helmet on the nearby crate and then finally released his weapon from its magnetic lock.  
  
”You sure took your time, Shepard,” the operative said, aiming his gun with his other hand, eyes focusing on the Spectre. ”But I guess it’s better late than never.”  
  
Shepard held Kaidan’s gaze. They breathed.  
  
The Cerberus squad surrounded Kaidan, and, finally, he lashed out. Shepard didn’t know the guy who got thrown against the far wall, and in all honesty, he didn’t care; he only knew that this was the moment to decide whether he was going to follow through the plan like the Illusive Man’s lapdog he, maybe, was, or if he was going to fight the people he was supposed to consider his own for the guy he barely knew. ”Kaidan,” he repeated, realizing only now that he had called out his name at least once already. But it didn’t really matter because the man wasn’t listening; he was fighting like he had fought the rachni, mercilessly and using all his skills.  
  
But at least he hadn’t attacked _him_ , yet. That had to count for something —  
  
”Kaidan, listen to me,” he shouted again, seeing that the Spectre had taken down half the squad in three quick moves and escaped the circle in what felt like half a second but must have been at least two. The rest of the Cerberus troops looked like they were just about to use their guns for real, and Shepard gritted his teeth. Hell, he knew their orders better than anyone — _bring back the Spectre, no matter in what condition as long as he’s alive_. ”Kaidan, seriously —” he maneuvered himself in the line of fire, and when his fellow operatives stopped shooting after grazing his shields, Kaidan stopped, too, looking at Shepard briefly with an unfathomable expression before turning his attention back to the others trying to position themselves for a clear shot.  
  
”Get out of my way,” the Spectre hissed in a strained voice.  
  
Shepard took a leap of faith and closed the distance. He grabbed Kaidan’s arms, forcing his gun down, and Kaidan had to loosen his hold on the weapon to wrestle out of his grip. Shepard had been counting on that, and he tightened his hold and twisted until the rifle hit the ground. ”They’ll shoot you until they get through,” he managed to gasp when Kaidan pushed him, biotic corona flaring brighter like he was just about to throw him off. ”Stop before they do!” And then he did — throw Shepard across the hall, that was. The throw was not powerful enough to squash him, but damn if it didn’t hurt to land on a hard concrete floor with a force of a couple of hundred Newtons.  
  
Feeling dizzy, Shepard watched as Kaidan’s barrier absorbed some shots before the man moved and crouched behind a crate, his back-up pistol already in hand, and lifted a man in the air with his biotics. It was really amazing, actually, how the guy fought, even when surprised and alone. Keeping his head cool. Taking control. Taking risks, too, but controlling them — he was, after all, a major.  
  
Major Alenko, the first human Spectre.  
  
No matter how good he was, though, he couldn’t see everything, and when Shepard saw the woman’s cloak wear off he didn’t. Shepard almost shouted a warning, but shut his mouth right before anything got out; and right after that, Alenko was out, a direct hit to the back of his head from the wrong end of a shotgun making him reel, and his hands were quickly bound by biotic restraints.  
  
After that, he just lied on the ground, unmoving.  
  
Shepard got finally back to his feet. _Please be okay_ , he begged in his mind, hurrying to the guy’s side and kneeling down.  
  
Kaidan was pale and dazed, damp curls clinging to his sweaty forehead. Shepard shut out everything else; he didn’t hear the cursing of his wounded comrades or when someone yelled _He killed Tom! He fucking killed him!_ He just tugged his right gauntlet off.  
  
”Kaidan,” he whispered.  
  
The man’s skin was cool to the touch. Shepard wanted to hug him, to hold him close until he regained his senses, to whisper reassurances no one else would hear; all those sappy things they wrote about in those 10-credit novels. He wanted to steady him when he, eventually, would try to push himself to his feet, because he was — as Shepard had learned in the past couple of days — stubborn as a mule. He wanted to kiss him on the mouth.  
  
His fingers twitched against his forehead, and he withdrew after realizing how dangerously close he was to caressing the guy’s face.  
  
”Is he alright?” the woman who had ended the fight asked, nudging the Spectre with the tip of his boot. Her tone wasn’t exactly unfriendly, but it was cool and emotionless, and if she thought Shepard’s behavior was odd she didn’t say anything. When Shepard glanced at her, just briefly, he noted that she still held her gun, safety off. She would have no qualms in shooting Kaidan to the face if it came down to it.  
  
It wouldn’t, Shepard hoped. And if it did, chances were _he_ would end up shooting _her_ before she managed to hurt Kaidan. And then they’d probably shoot him. Then Kaidan.  
  
So, yeah, he had every right to hope the man would stay put.  
  
”Kaidan,” he repeated, using his omnitool to scan the man for wounds. Results weren’t that bad, considering he had been hit to the back of his head, way too close to the amp port, but... either he just didn’t want to look at him, which, to be fair, was something Shepard should have expected, or then the guy just couldn’t focus. The readings were fine, but... ”Kaidan, look at me.”  
  
The Spectre blinked, twice, before frowning and staring at Shepard’s face, not exactly meeting his eyes.  
  
”He’s fine,” the woman announced, grabbing Kaidan from under his arm, and Shepard was pushed away. The man was dragged to his feet without more inspection. ”Now let’s get out of here. We have wasted enough time as it is.” She pulled a syringe seemingly out of nowhere — Shepard didn’t really pay attention, focusing firmly on Kaidan’s eyes the whole time.  
  
Eyes that — when the man finally met his stare — were burning with hatred and something that looked like disappointment. Shepard knew it wasn’t exactly wise to show how much he cared about it, but at that moment, his face betrayed his feelings. He didn’t even think about the others or how they saw him; he only wanted Kaidan to see how much he _didn’t_ want him to suffer.  
  
Kaidan didn’t even flinch when the needle pierced his skin.  
  
Shepard caught him when he went limp.


	4. Away from the Cerberus Base

It was not the hot water that made him feel breathless.  
  
His skin turned red, and he turned the switch to get the water to warm up even more. The escaping steam clouded the mirror, but he didn’t care; he wasn’t even looking at it, anyway.  
  
He had been freezing, just a while ago, but it wasn't what made him want to boil himself alive like he was boiling inside.  
  
What he was thinking about — like there was nothing else: the brown eyes, boring into his, accusing him of betrayal and lies, right before he lost consciousness. How the same person had faced him, before, looking worried, asking _are you alright_ while giving him his hand and helping him back to his feet after he had fallen. How the corners of the same eyes had wrinkled a little when he had said _you know, your biotics are really impressive — I mean, some people might prefer good blasters at their side, and yeah, maybe you don’t have a lightsaber, but being able to throw stuff around with your mind is just amazing_ ; and how the same mouth had gasped, trying to catch his breath and making Shepard think about stuff that wouldn't involve evading rachni spit and gunning them down but would make the Spectre equally breathless nevertheless. And how Kaidan had looked at him when he had kneeled down, face near his groin; and how hot he had felt, beneath his fingertips.  
  
It had been a simple job, to bring the man in. And yeah, he had been attractive all the time, and Shepard had thought about kissing that mouth, those scars, and squeezing that ass with his hands while kissing the skin behind his earlobe — hearing his husky voice get raspier, sighing and gasping — but not once...  
  
Not once had he thought he could... get so... _attached_ for said mouth and said voice. Because that was what had happened, somehow, with this man — this first human Spectre, the Council's newest tool and Alliance's poster boy. Not once had he considered the possibility that the poster boy could be an intriguing man, challenging him, making him stumble. He should have known to quit the job after meeting the guy for the first time, to assign someone else, someone who wouldn't forget he wasn't making friends — like Taylor, yeah, teamed up with Harvey, like on Eden Prime when they let the beacon get away in the first place.  
  
Shepard breathed in, shutting his eyes, allowing the hot water to cool while pouring over him, minute by minute. His heart pounded against his ribcage like he was drowning, and there was a headache forming; something right behind his eyes, and another in the back of his skull. The sweat and blood was long since gone, but he felt dirty — no, _filthy_. He took a sponge to his hand and squeezed, allowing it to absorb water before rubbing some soap on it.  
  
His skin was sore all over when he was finished, although it felt like he wasn't ready at all. The water was cool by now and he was cold. Not as cold as when he had tried to sleep back on Noveria, with Kaidan sleeping not far from him, but cold enough to remind him of it and take him back to the moment when they had been close enough to touch.  
  
It was frustrating.  
  
He turned off the shower and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist and leaving the room without drying himself; he just shivered and padded around, bare soles hitting the cool metal floor, leaving wet footprints behind.

 

——

 

Sometimes Shepard hated the Cerberus uniform. Not just what it represented — an organization branded as a group of terrorists by the rest of the galaxy for whatever reason — but really, the _uniform_. They put their logo everywhere. Literally, everywhere; even his boxers were marked. And socks. _Why would they brand our socks?_  
  
”Hey, Steve,” he spoke out loud when a familiar face appeared in the doorway without any announcement. ”Why do our socks have the Cerberus insignia on them?”  
  
The beautiful thing about Steve Cortez was that he knew not to expect anything normal from Shepard. Considering their history together, it would have been bad if he didn’t, but really, it was still worth appreciating. ”I don’t know. Why do they put their logo on them?”  
  
Shepard looked silly, standing there with only his pants on. One trouser leg was stuck below his knee, revealing a hairy leg, and he was holding the socks in question in his hands. Steve couldn’t help smiling at the sight.  
  
”Really, John. What’s up? Heard you got stuck with the Spectre in an abandoned facility on Noveria. Must have been one hell of a trip.”  
  
Shepard shrugged. It was not exactly something he wanted to talk about. Instead, he sat down on his footlocker to put the socks on and pull the pant leg down.  
  
Steve, of course, noticed. ”Did something go wrong?”  
  
Shepard didn’t reply. He hugged his remaining sock-less leg, looking... miserable. _Defeated_. Face grim, he hit his forehead to his knee and closed his fingers around his bare foot.  
  
He looked like the kid he had been when he and Steve had met, no doubt, all those years ago. The lone human boy, orphaned at the age of 16, shivering in a scarce cell with a couple of other slaves; and Steve had been just a few years older when he had been pushed into the same room, still in shock and trembling.  
  
”Do you think Cerberus is on the good side?”  
  
Steve sat next to him, bumping his shoulder to Shepard’s. He didn’t ask what prompted the question; instead, he thought about it.  
  
One more reason to love the guy.  
  
”All I know is,” he murmured after a while, ”that they killed those slavers when the Alliance did nothing. And...” He put his arm around the other man’s shoulders, and Shepard leaned into the touch, absorbing the warmth. ”They didn’t force us to join them. We were the ones to ask.”  
  
Shepard sighed. ”But are they right?”  
  
Steve tried to get a look of the man’s face. ”Hey,” he whispered, worry sneaking into his voice, his hold on Shepard’s shoulder tightening. With some obvious trouble, he swallowed the question that he wanted to ask: _what’s really bothering you?_  
  
What _was_ bothering Shepard was that he hated being this vulnerable. Ever since losing his family he had been strong, because he had had to be; and after a while the mask had become the only face he had seen whenever he had looked into the mirror. He had been the one doing the holding when Steve had opened up to him, telling him about the man he had been in love with and who had died a death not unlike Shepard’s brother’s — a cruel, meaningless death, right in front of the eyes of the people who they were the most important to. He hadn’t cried when he had told Steve his story, later, and he hadn’t hesitated when the opportunity to learn how to fight had presented itself in the form of Cerberus. He had overcome his demons without any help, taking Steve under his wing even though he had been the younger one. And he had fought like hell, and he had become one of the Illusive Man’s most trusted operatives.  
  
But, lately...  
  
He just wasn’t so sure anymore.  
  
”Did you meet him?” he asked, turning his head a little. Steve’s eyes were a warm shade of blue.  
  
”You lost me.”  
  
”Kaidan,” Shepard specified. It probably revealed a lot about him that he hadn’t even considered that Steve wouldn’t know what he was talking about. Since when had he been so single-minded?  
  
He could still read Steve’s face like it was a book, though. _On a first-name basis with the Spectre?_ he thought, _And what exactly happened in that facility?_  
  
Shepard sighed. ”We... Fought together. I helped him complete his mission.” When the other man didn’t reply, he took a deep breath and hid his face behind his knee again. ”He’s... he’s a good man, Steve.”  
  
”... And you’re worried about what will happen to him, now that he’s here?”  
  
”He trusted me.”  
  
They weren’t exactly talking about the same thing, except that they sort of were. Shepard didn’t need to confess for Steve to pick up on his feelings, and when the man squeezed his shoulder and pressed him closer to his chest, wrapping him in a friendly embrace, he allowed himself to open up. _He wasn’t angry with Cerberus when he was caught, he was angry with me, Steve. He looked at me and he hated me. He has the most gentle eyes ever but he looked like he wanted to murder me. And I deserved it!_  
  
”You know, John,” the other man said then. ”He didn’t.”  
  
”What?”  
  
”Murder you. From what I heard, he had a chance to, but he didn’t. What do you think that means?”  
  
Shepard didn’t know. He was just so damn lost.  
  
When Steve poked his cheek, he turned to look at him. ”What, exactly, did you hear?” he asked, fearing the worst —  
  
”Enough to know someone here has a crush.”  
  
Shepard groaned, and before he could hide his face for the third time his cheekbones had already gotten a rather pretty shade of pink on them.  
  
Steve smiled.

 

——

 

”If I told you I was leaving, would you leave with me?”  
  
Steve hit his head to a thruster when he scrambled out from under the Kodiak.  
  
”They’re not going to let him go. I hacked the project files,” Shepard said in a flat tone, face equally emotionless. He lowered his voice. ”And... I found something else when I was poking around, too.” He ignored his friend’s obvious discomfort and grabbed his arm, pulled him close. ”They’re planning a coup. The Illusive Man’s going to overthrow the Council.”  
  
Steve’s reaction was appropriately shocked, his jaw dropping and eyes widening. ”But that’s — that’s crazy! Do they want to start a damn war against the rest of the galaxy? Including the Alliance!”  
  
”The Prothean artifacts, Steve.” Shepard breathed. ”Like the beacon on Eden Prime. There are plans to advanced weapons, detailed strategies — they _can_ go to a war. And did you hear about Feros? There was this... _thing_ , some kind of an ancient life-form that can control organic beings, and —”  
  
”That’s insane.”  
  
”I _know_.”  
  
Steve stared at him, like waiting for a _ha, just kidding!_ only Shepard was never kidding; and even if he was, it was painfully obvious because the jokes were too bad to be anything else. Bad puns, borrowed one-liners from Blasto — never anything as elaborate as this.  
  
”Will you leave with me?” Shepard repeated. He was feeling rather desperate, inside, despite the cool exterior. Worrying over Kaidan and himself and Steve and the whole damn galaxy wasn’t even enough as there was the Illusive Man’s insanity to consider and the disturbing fact that no one had told the man _you can’t do this_. He was honestly freaked out from  _having been working for that guy for the past nine years_. It felt like he had been simultaneously lifted off the ground and hit with a blaster bolt, to the head, and poisoned by polonium rounds that sapped through the last of his shields and mental barriers. ”We get Kaidan, we get out of here, and we go to Alliance and tell them all we know.”  
  
Steve was still dumbstruck. Shepard took hold of his other arm, too, eyes pleading.  
  
He hadn’t really thought Cerberus was right about everything, but honestly? Now the Illusive Man had lost it for real, and he was pulling everyone around him down with him. Shepard couldn’t just let it happen, not to himself and certainly not to Steve — and there was Kaidan, and whatever it was that he felt for him, and it really didn’t make anything any less confusing.  
  
”We have to, Steve. Cerberus might have saved us and given us new lives, but that doesn’t give them the right to take them and throw them away in a meaningless attack against the rest of the civilization.”  
  
Finally, Steve spoke, voice calm and steady, ”You don’t have to convince me.”  
  
Shepard wanted to hug him.  
  
Because nothing stopped him, he did. ”Thank you,” he whispered, and then he felt strong, warm arms around himself and a buzz cut scraping the side of his neck.  
  
”I’m with you all the way,” Steve told him, holding him close. ”Never doubt that.”  
  
A small, vulnerable smile tugged at the corner of Shepard’s mouth when he murmured _I know_.

 

——

 

When Kaidan saw him, his eyes narrowed and a stubborn frown appeared on his face. Shepard felt bad about it, he knew he had been wrong ― all the time, about everything.  
  
“Hey,” he tried, releasing the man from the biotic restraints. It was a poor attempt at saying _I’m sorry_ , and Kaidan missed it ― on purpose, possibly, considering Shepard really deserved it. Instead of asking _Why_ or _What the hell, Shepard_ Kaidan slammed him against a wall with his biotics and held him there, and if he hadn’t had armor on it would have hurt.  
  
”Kaidan, listen,” Shepard grunted, holding up his hands. “I'm here to rescue you.”  
  
In any other circumstances, he would have expected Kaidan to reply _Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper_ , but now was not the time.  
  
”Rescue me, Shepard?” It was terrifying, to see his eyes burning like this ― the gentle brown eyes that Shepard had been staring at way too long when they had first met. “Last time I checked, you wanted me captured.”  
  
”No, I didn't.” Allowing himself a sign of weakness, Shepard's eyes darted nervously towards the hallway he had come from. “I'm not asking you to trust me, but believe me. I never wanted them to have you.” When he looked back at the biotic, he had come closer, although probably just to intimidate him. “We don't have much time before they notice I hacked into some highly classified files and start looking for me, and from what I understand, they'll know exactly where I am when they do. We have to leave now if we want to get out of here. Steve’s waiting for us in the hangar bay.”  
  
Kaidan huffed, obviously having the urge to hit him — to the face, where he didn't have a layer of ceramic plates to protect him.  “Kaidan, I need you to come with me. They want the vision you received from the beacon and they don't mind hurting you to get it, and killing you after.” And now he was pleading, but he didn't mind; _there was no time_.  
  
Kaidan stared at him for a while, finally letting him go in the end. “Fine,” he spat out.  
  
Shepard didn’t waste time after that, not grabbing the man but brushing past him as he went to the door. The way was clear, but only so far; they could go around a corner and bump into someone, who only by a slight chance wouldn’t know he wasn’t reliable anymore. ”We didn’t have time to form a proper plan, and there’s the possibility that we will need to fight our way out,” he confessed when Kaidan pressed his chest briefly against his arm when he squeezed past him to the hallway. ”We should get you a gun, I wasn’t able to-”  
  
”I don’t need one. Which way?”  
  
He hadn’t thought Kaidan could be this scary, even after seeing him fight for his freedom on Noveria — but from this scene, from that expression, from those eyes, Shepard knew he would never want to cross Spectre Kaidan Alenko again, no matter what. He was fairly sure that if it came down to it and they would have to fight, he would lose.  
  
Snapping out of it, Shepard grabbed Kaidan’s hand.  
  
”Not so fast.” He had, after all, the only gun they had, and Kaidan didn’t even have armor; just his biotics and some pent up frustration. They wouldn’t be able to win if they ended up in a fight with more than three, maybe four operatives...  Well, maybe five or six or ten, if they weren’t the most skilled ones; he should give the Spectre a bit more credit, and to himself, too. But being overconfident would hardly improve their chances.  
  
”Don’t tell me what to do!” Kaidan snarled, jerking his hand away, looking — and Shepard hadn’t thought it would be even possible — more pissed off than before.  
  
He really needed the man to calm down. ”Kaidan,” he uttered in a soft voice while brushing past him to peek around the corner, going past it after seeing it was empty.  
  
The reaction wasn’t exactly what he had been going for. ”Don’t _’Kaidan’_ me, Shepard!” The man half-shouted before lowering his voice to an angry hiss. ”We are not exactly on friendly terms.”  
  
Shepard whirled around. ”Major Alenko, then,” he snapped.  
  
Kaidan just shot him a fiery look while he pushed Shepard out of his way. ”Just get us out of here.”  
  
It was so incredibly frustrating to keep fighting when he wasn’t the enemy here, no matter how much he deserved it. Still, he snatched Kaidan’s hand again when they were about to take another turn and pulled so that the man had to take a step back. ”Stay behind me.”  
  
To his surprise, the Spectre actually listened, this time.  
  
Somehow, it made him feel better. The man was still angry as hell — and he fully expected to be punched as soon as they were a safe distance away from the base — but that the guy would still listen to him, at least when he had a point... It was reassuring. Maybe Steve was right and they could work this out.  
  
Sneaking a glance to the man behind him, Shepard felt something close to embarrassment, thinking about his and Steve’s conversation, yesterday. Felt like half a lifetime ago, except that the horrific feeling of humiliation still lingered. _Enough to know someone here has a crush._ It was one thing to know it by oneself, on some level, but to hear it out loud, to realize he was that obvious —  
  
Really, he should concentrate.  
  
He sure hoped Kaidan didn’t notice his blundering. It wasn’t even like he really was in love. No one fell in love within days, right? So, yeah, maybe he had a crush. The man was damn attractive, and he was sure there were plenty of people swooning over the first human Spectre. And besides, there was all this tension, and that damn _almost_ on Noveria —  
  
Kaidan clasped his shoulder. ”How long before they notice I’m... That we are missing?” He sounded more collected, now, and he didn’t even let go immediately after getting Shepard’s attention. Maybe he started to realize what Shepard was doing, betraying his own people — and risking his own neck in the process — to save him. Or maybe he was just smart enough to not bite the hand that fed him.  
  
Probably the latter.  
  
”We’re close,” Shepard told him, meaning to continue with _so don’t worry about it_ when he heard voices just around the corner. ”Shit,” he hissed, instead, stopping right then and there. Kaidan bumped into him.  
  
Shepard turned, frantically looking for a hiding place. There was a server closet, nearby, full of tech, if he remembered correctly; he had once had to boot one server manually in order to get a kink out of the system. It would do if they were able to get there.  
  
Wordlessly, Shepard pushed Kaidan backwards until he turned around — after which the Cerberus operative just kept pushing him forward. ”There’s a closet, just around the corner,” Shepard whispered.  
  
Kaidan opened the door when he pointed at it. It was even more cramped than before; they barely fit in and got the door closed.  
  
”I see they haven’t fixed the automated lights,” Shepard grumbled, back against the now-closed door and chest pressed on Kaidan’s.  
  
Kaidan lifted his finger to his lips, listening to the footsteps. They were closing in until they stopped, not far from the closet.  
  
”They’re not headed here, are they?” the Spectre whispered against Shepard’s temple, barely out loud. His mouth moved on his warm skin, and it almost felt like a kiss.  
  
It went straight to Shepard’s gut. For a moment, he could not think about anything else but the hot breath, the hot lips, the hot body. He didn’t know whether to curse or to thank the heavens for his armor. It meant he could not feel Kaidan like he wanted to, but it also stopped him from doing anything stupid like grinding himself against the other man.  
  
Feeling dizzy and short of air, he replied, ”Doubtful.” Kaidan’s forefinger was still on his mouth.  
  
He couldn’t resist wetting his lips, tongue touching the man’s skin.  
  
Kaidan withdrew his hand faster than Shepard thought possible. ”Stop that,” he hissed. Shepard almost chuckled, then caught himself; he was harming his chances.  
  
 _But you’re so damn hot and I could think of so many better things to do with you, hiding in a dark closet,_ he thought. But he wasn’t an animal; he knew how to keep his hands to himself. Barely.  
  
He had to remind himself of their situation before his heart stopped hammering against his chest. It was sobering, to think of how much he had hurt the other man; how mad the guy was with him, and how his only chance of setting things right was to get them out of here. How, if they got caught, he would not only risk himself but also Steve and Kaidan.  
  
”Sorry,” he breathed, hoping Kaidan realized that he really was.  
  
The footsteps passed, three sets of them, and Shepard slipped out, afterwards; told the other man to follow once he made sure the way was clear.  
  
Neither of them spoke a word until they reached the shuttle and Steve turned on the engines.

 

——

 

”It’s a long way to Noveria. Maybe you two should clear some air?” Steve’s voice was soft, just audible over the hum of the engines.  
  
Just the name _Noveria_ made Shepard wince. Why did the closest inhabited planet have to be that icy hellhole? His and Kaidan’s situation was bad enough as it was even without the constant reminder of his earlier actions.  
  
Kaidan sat on the co-pilot’s seat, keeping an eye on the shuttle’s statistics. A Kodiak wasn’t exactly the best vehicle to take on a long faster-than-light travel from system to system, and if something went wrong they would be stranded, worst case scenario, before they even left the Anadius system.  
  
”Come on,” the pilot continued rather kind-heartedly, ”I can handle the shuttle.”  
  
Kaidan was not the kind to glare at people he didn’t know, but if he was... Shepard sighed. He had put Steve in an extremely uncomfortable situation, and the man didn’t need that; didn’t deserve that.  
  
”Kaidan,” he murmured, hanging behind his chair.  
  
”We do have a long way to go,” Steve repeated.  
  
Maybe it was him, or maybe it was Shepard; but in the end, Kaidan took a deep breath through his nose. ”Fine. You’re sorry, I get it.”  
  
Shepard huffed and turned, giving up. It was just too frustrating, to keep pleading and pleading when his life had just turned upside down in a matter of hours. Steve glanced at him, looking worried; but suddenly, he felt so tired he really couldn’t bring himself to care... At least it was what he tried to tell himself.  
  
In reality, he cared too much.  
  
He had removed his gauntlets, earlier, but now he started to tug the rest of his armor off with swift, angry movements, dropping the pieces to the floor. Everything was so crazy, these days, and nothing made sense. The man he had worked for was a power-hungry lunatic; the clothes he wore bore a symbol of terrorists; the man he... had feelings for was an elite Alliance marine — and the first human Spectre; and he had no place to go to, once they got to the Citadel.  
  
Except, of course, that was not going to be a problem. If he was being positive, they’d only end up in a brig instead of ending up dead in the hands of some Cerberus assassins.  
  
”Why are we here again?” he asked out loud.  
  
”Because we’re not bad people, John,” Steve said calmly. Kaidan stared at him. ”And the Illusive Man needs to be stopped. Plus, there was this handsome Spectre waiting to be rescued from that cell.”  
  
Shepard sat down on a bench, head between his hands, elbows on his knees. He wanted to scream, to cry, to hit something; he wanted to just fall asleep and rest for a bit, to postpone thinking for a little while. ”I just don’t get it,” he breathed. ”Steve, I just don’t get it.”  
  
Kaidan probably didn’t have any idea what they were talking about, but Steve knew. Steve understood.  
  
”Yeah, I know,” the pilot replied.  
  
Shepard cursed.  
  
”You know, Major,” Steve said then, and Kaidan jerked, surprised. ”Give us a chance. There were perfectly understandable motives for us to join Cerberus, nine years ago, and they never gave us a reason to leave. Not until now, that is.”  
  
”I don’t think he’s interested in our sob stories, Steve,” Shepard grumbled from the back. Steve ignored him.  
  
”We are willing to work with the Alliance in bringing Cerberus down, but try to give us some time to adjust. They gave us lives after we had lost everything, and this isn’t easy.”  
  
Kaidan stayed silent, after that, and Steve let him. Shepard kept sulking in the passenger compartment.

 

——

 

They were well out of the system when Kaidan asked Steve if his offer was still standing.  
  
Shepard raised his head when he heard him speak. For hours, they had sat quietly, mood tense and stifling like there was a thunderstorm brewing, somewhere in the sky — except there was no sky, only the vast emptiness of space. And now the Spectre sounded apologetic, speaking in a low voice to the pilot and then getting up and coming to him; sitting right next to him, knee bumping into his still-armored one.  
  
 _Hey_ , the man whispered, and Shepard didn’t respond. He fiddled with his removed chestpiece, instead, touching a dent he had gotten on Noveria.  
  
He hadn’t had the time to get it fixed.  
  
It was so hard to believe it was only two days since they had returned from Noveria, Kaidan out cold and he having a crisis of conscience. A day since he had dug up that file, hacked the defenses; seen the line _Cerberus must take pre-emptive action in order to secure humanity’s position against the alien races and ensure our advancement in space by any means necessary_. Four hours since they had left the Cerberus headquarters.  
  
Felt like half a lifetime, all of it.  
  
”I wasn’t fair to you,” Kaidan said, taking the piece of armor off his hands and placing it down on the floor. ”I’m sorry.”  
  
Shepard stared at his now-empty hands, the callouses and the burn mark on his right wrist, the thin scar beneath his left thumb. ”Yeah,” he whispered.  
  
”I’m sure you had your reasons for working with them. And whatever it was that made you two decide to leave them, I’m... grateful for the help.” He took a breath. ”And... for what it’s worth, I’m going to speak to the Alliance on your behalf. Try to get them to see your side of the story.”  
  
Shepard traced the lifeline of his palm with his index finger, not reacting.  
  
Kaidan hesitated, briefly, lips parted and eyebrows slightly tilted before taking Shepard’s hands. ”Hey,” he repeated, leaning in without Shepard noticing until he was close enough for the air he exhaled to touch the man’s cheek. ”Are you listening at all?”  
  
Shepard turned his head to look him in the eyes. ”I’m sorry, Kaidan,” he said, voice as soft as the Spectre’s had been, if a little hoarse. His eyes were red, and Kaidan’s mouth and scars twisted in a very specific way when the man took in his raw expression.  
  
He was messed up like he hadn’t been before, not even after watching his home burn and his brother murdered. Those tragedies had nothing to do with him — with what he had done, whereas this was on him. Working for the Illusive Man, speaking to him, obeying, carrying orders — how many people had he killed just because they opposed him for wearing Cerberus colors? _People who had been right all along_.  
  
”You still want to take me to that steak sandwhich?” Kaidan spoke after a while, getting a warm hue on his cheekbones but still not averting his eyes.  
  
Shepard’s lips curved into a small, vulnerable smile, eyes suddenly distinctively _alive_. ”You still want me to?”  
  
Maybe it was the total absence of his inner barriers at that specific moment, maybe it was the emotional roller coaster both of them had been on — but whatever the reason, it was Kaidan who initiated their first kiss, eyelashes fluttering when he closed in and brushed his mouth on Shepard’s dry lips.  
  
The man stopped breathing for a second, after that. Just feeling the soft lips on his, warm air on his skin, rough but gentle palms still against his hands — it was all too much for his brain to handle, and so he just reacted on instinct, lips parting, eyes closing. It was good in every way; perfect, almost.  
  
Except there was really no almost about it.  
  
Kaidan withdrew too soon. Shepard didn’t want him to, so he lifted his hand and touched the man’s face, fingertips on his cheekbones, then his sideburns; he slid his palm against the side of the Spectre’s cheek, thumb brushing his ear.  
  
”And a bottle of good old Canadian lager,” Shepard murmured against his mouth before kissing him again.  
  
”And a shot of whisky,” Kaidan complied when he had the chance.


	5. Detention

Shepard figured meeting the first human Spectre was the best thing that had happened to him ever since befriending Steve. It was crazy, and scary, and if he thought about it too hard he would freak out like he had freaked out, before, when they had docked on the Citadel and Kaidan had briefly touched his hand. Fingers around his palm, the man had squeezed, right before C-Sec had escorted them to the Citadel tower.  
  
 _Like you have the right to mess with my head like that, Major Spectre._  
  
The thing was, Kaidan kind of had — he, himself, had initiated the whole... touching, feeling thing. Not too long ago, either, although it had been over two weeks since they had gotten out of the Cerberus system.  
  
A week since he had seen the Spectre.  
  
 _Fuck you, Kaidan._  
  
”Shepard,” Steve spoke softly, sitting on the edge of the bunk. ”You are making that face again.”  
  
Shepard groaned and pulled the pillow from under his head to cover his face. ”Fuck you, Steve,” came the muffled voice from under it, and Steve chuckled.  
  
”I’m sure you will see him soon enough. We did promise the Council to help _him_ in bringing Cerberus down, after all.”  
  
”Hmm.” Shepard breathed against the fabric.  
  
The bunk was comfortable enough; they weren’t in the brig, technically. _Detention_ was the word they had used, but the complex had a pleasant view and there were actual doors and everything. They even had their own rooms! It certainly was a nice place to rest for a while.  
  
The _while_ being the operative word. He couldn’t handle staying in one place for days without anything to do — they didn’t even have extranet access, and the constant surveillance got on his nerves.  
  
”Steve,” Shepard added.  
  
”John,” the other man replied.  
  
Shepard threw the pillow to the floor. ”Kill me,” he pleaded, trying to perform the puppy dog eyes Steve had pulled off a couple of times, during the years. Judging from his friend’s warm smile it wasn’t working. He sighed. ”I just can’t believe we have to sit here just waiting for them to come ask us all those _who is the Illusive Man, what does he want, what color are his underwear_ questions.”  
  
”Sitting still and thinking has never been your strongest point, John Shepard.” Steve gave him an affectionate grin. ”Especially the thinking part.”  
  
Shepard did not pretend to be offended. ”I’m just so bored!”  
  
”... Thick-headed, my friend,” Steve placed his palm against his arm, ”is what you are.”  
  
”And you’re the worst best friend I have ever had, Steve.”  
  
Steve rubbed the fabric of Shepard’s shirt with his thumb absent-mindedly. It had taken Shepard a while to figure out, but the man was of the affectionate sort, always reaching out and touching, and another while to realize how much he really loved it — how good it felt to have someone like that. Steve kept his head in the game.  
  
”Why have we never made out, Steve?” he blurted suddenly, then winced and cursed inwardly when he heard it out loud, realizing how dumb it sounded.  
  
Steve didn’t look offended. Instead, he chuckled again. ”Because that would be just too weird.”  
  
”No, but... We’re always like this,” Shepard gestured vaguely with the hand not under Steve’s fingertips. ”I’m a mess, you are there for me. And the other way around. And it has never even crossed our minds to be... You know. Anything else.”  
  
Steve raised an eyebrow. ”Hmm.”  
  
”You’re attractive, but I would never want to sleep with you,” Shepard continued. Then he squinted. ”Wait, that didn’t come out right.”  
  
Steve smiled, amused, but then thought about something and his face fell more serious. ”Thinking about how much easier it would be if you felt that way about me instead of the first human Spectre?”  
  
Shepard didn’t exactly blush, but... he looked downright embarrassed, when he rolled to his side and turned his back on the other man. ”It would, wouldn’t it,” he finally vocalized, sounding at least ten years younger than he really was.  
  
Steve didn’t let him off the hook so easy. ”You love me, but you don’t want to sleep with me,” he said, leaning in on the guy and resting his hand on Shepard’s arm again. ”And you want to have sex with him, but you don’t know what it is that you’re feeling for him.”  
  
”I hate it when you’re being insightful,” Shepard grumbled. Steve ignored him.  
  
”What you’re feeling isn’t a disease, John. It’s called a crush. Stop being so grim.”  
  
Shepard stopped himself from crying out _But it’s killing me!_ He had _some_ resemblance of dignity left, after all — at least he wanted to believe he did. He wasn’t one of those silly blue-eyed heroines from those romance novels of his cousin’s he definitely hadn’t read.  
  
Even if the blue-eyed part was true.  
  
”He returns your feelings. I don’t see why you are so worried about it. It’s a wonderful thing.”  
  
 _But he’s not around!_ Shepard sighed again, pressing his face against the mattress. ”It’s this staying put and waiting that’s getting to me,” he defended himself, ”we can’t just stay here and wait for the Council to get their heads out of their asses and order us to actually do something! I’d rather reveal the Illusive Man’s schemes to everyone so that people who don’t want anything to do with them can get out. And then attack. It’s not that hard.” He took a deep breath. ”And besides, the longer they take, the more people the Illusive Man indoctrinates with that Species 37-thing. He knows we got away with the intel. He knows we’re coming.”  
  
”What they are doing is _planning_ , John Shepard, you dolt. We don’t even know what the ’Species 37-thing’ is. We can’t just barge in and shoot everyone who objects.”  
  
Shepard just huffed.  
  
 _I know we can’t. It would be too easy. We know a lot of those men and women. We have spent time with some of them. That’s why I said ’reveal the Illusive Man’s schemes’..._  
  
Maybe he should just stick to obsessing about his crush, about whatever it was he had going on with Kaidan. It was not easier but it was — it was positive, like Steve had said, and something he could even do something about as soon as the man visited him the next time. That kiss on the shuttle, it had been good. He had felt _happy_. And the things he wanted to say and do to that man, they were definitely good too — at least if Kaidan didn’t object, but he did still remember the hot feeling in the closet. And the man had stripped him half-way out of his undersuit.  
  
”Fuck you,” he grumbled before realizing he was speaking aloud. ”... I wasn’t speaking to you. Sorry.”  
  
Steve patted his arm. ”I know.” He smiled. ”I’ve been in love, too.” Then he got up before Shepard could protest, bunk creaking when the weight on it shifted.  
  
”Who said anything about —”  
  
”Not hearing you!” Steve called before leaving the room and shutting the door. _Ah, hey there, Mr. Vega. Care to walk me to my door?_ was the last thing Shepard heard.  
  
”Fuck you, Steve,” he repeated again, this time to an empty room. ”Fuck everyone.”  
  
The truth was, he was sexually frustrated and cranky.

 

——

 

Shepard was alone when Kaidan showed up at his door, three days later.  
  
”So,” the ex-Cerberus operative greeted with the dorkiest grin his face could muster, leaning on the doorway. ”A Spectre walks into a bar and orders a quick drink.”  
  
Kaidan just smiled. ”Or two.” He handed an eco-plastic bag to Shepard, who, puzzled, peeked inside.  
  
When he looked up again, his whole face was _beaming_. ”You brought me _beer_ ,” he whispered, the blue of his eyes brighter than ever when he glanced around. ”How did you get past the guards? That Vega fellow would have _never_ allowed this.”  
  
Kaidan leaned closer. ”I am the first human Spectre, Shepard,” he murmured, face just a couple of centimeters away from his. ”They can’t deny me _anything_.”  
  
 _Neither could I_ , Shepard thought, then felt the heat spreading over his cheeks. ”Uh-huh,” he commented, instead, losing his chance at a witty response. Kaidan withdrew, chuckling softly. It was a pleasant sound, a little raspy and definitely _Kaidan_.  
  
Kaidan; the sun of his system.  
  
 _Oh God, that’s just the lamest thing I have ever thought of. Get a grip._  
  
”So,” he said, feeling self-conscious in his worn jeans and a Blasto t-shirt, the only clothes he owned that didn’t have a Cerberus insignia on them; the only clothes he had brought from the base. ”What’s in the other bag?”  
  
Kaidan brushed past him to his room, and Shepard’s eyes fell on the Spectre’s backside when the guy looked around the small space, the sofa and the small kitchen and the bunk to the right. The dark gray slacks he was wearing looked really good on him, and when he moved the fabric pulled and creased just the right way.  
  
He caught Shepard staring.  
  
”If a man can’t go to have a steak sandwich...” He raised the bag a little, winking.  
  
Shepard felt warm. _Smells wonderful_ was an understatement, but he said it anyway.

 

——

 

The sofa had never been as comfortable as it was now. Bellies full, half-finished beers in their hands, close enough to touch and speak, to laugh and chuckle — it wasn’t awkward, it was perfect, and even though they had started it all in rather weird circumstances it felt... normal. It felt damn _right_.  
  
Shepard didn’t speak for a while, and Kaidan didn’t either.  
  
”It’s nice to just sit down every once in a while,” the Spectre said eventually, legs straightened in front of him, head against the backrest. He wore a lazy, content smile, and a single curl of hair had escaped his pompadour.  
  
Shepard’s fingers twitched as he wanted to touch it. ”Been pretty crazy lately, huh?”  
  
”Yeah, I —” Kaidan started, then thought of something. ”I mean... It must have been worse for you. What Steve said back there in the shuttle...” He trailed off. ”If you don’t want to talk about it —”  
  
”It’s fine.”  
  
”Why were you two with them?” he asked, and Shepard didn’t need him to specify.  
  
The shorter man’s face drew blank. What had happened to him, what had led him to Cerberus, wasn’t exactly something he wanted to delve into; but it was impossible for him to look at the man’s face and tell him it wasn’t his business, that it didn’t matter.  
  
Because it did.  
  
”Do you remember, over ten years ago,” he started, toying with his bottle. Kaidan looked at his face, puzzled expression in his eyes. ”When the batarians raided all those human colonies?”  
  
He could practically see Kaidan’s brain overworking when he tried to piece these little bits of information together, face growing more and more worried.  
  
”Like, you know... Mindoir..? I lived there. And Steve’s from Ferris Fields.” Shepard sighed, feeling tense, throat tightening. There were no tears in his eyes, it was in his past, but when he brushed the topic... It was never pleasant.  
  
The truth was, he had loved his home. It had been dull, at times, to live in such a small farming colony, but he had had great friends. And a bright future, right up until that day, 14 years ago.  
  
 _Yeah, bad memories._  
  
Kaidan didn’t say anything but the phrase _I’m so sorry_ was all over his face. Shepard turned his gaze away.  
  
”The batarians only killed most of the people. The rest they enslaved.” He took a sip. ”I had been a slave for a year when they got Steve. The bastards had killed his family and friends, too. So we kind of bonded over that. Been looking out for each other ever since.”  
  
”How long..?” Kaidan murmured, averting his eyes. He snaked his hand over Shepard’s and... Left it there, fingers on his knuckles. ”Did you escape?”  
  
Shepard turned his hand over and allowed the other man’s fingers to slide between his. He squeezed. ”Cerberus stopped them three years later. I don’t know whether or not their primary mission was to save us slaves, but they freed us and offered us a ride to Earth. Most of us accepted.” He paused, withdrawing his hand to scratch the side of his nose. ”The rest of us joined them. We didn’t have anywhere to go, and... They seemed of the good sort. And... Like Steve said: they never gave us a reason to leave. Instead they gave us something to live for.”  
  
The incredibly sad and empathetic look in Kaidan’s eyes was too much for him. He gulped down the rest of his beer, now warm and bitter, and got up to place the empty bottle on the kitchen table. ”So, yeah, I didn’t really think of anything when they sent me to get you. But...” he didn’t turn back to face the man but his ears were red; he just knew it from the way the heat spread over his skin. ”When I knew they would prod your brain, I just — I had to make sure they... had the right reasons for it. Turns out, they didn’t.”  
  
It didn’t come out right, he knew, but when he turned around to make sure Kaidan hadn’t taken his words the wrong way he was startled to see the other man just a step away from him. ”Uh,” he said, forgetting about everything when the man closed the distance and pulled him into an embrace.  
  
 _I’m so sorry_ , Kaidan whispered against his ear. Then he took hold of his face, palms on both sides of his jaw and just _looked_.  
  
Shepard’s mind was reeling from the intense look, and dimly he realized the man wasn’t talking about his past. ”You couldn’t have known,” he mumbled right before the Spectre kissed him. Maybe even during, as he couldn’t really pinpoint when the movement of his lips turned from talking to kissing; all he did know was that the man’s lips were softer than he had remembered and this time, there was no stubble scraping him when he focused on Kaidan’s upper lip.  
  
He closed his eyes, feeling dizzy.  
  
He had had his flings, some one-night stands and a short failed relationship; he had made out with people, before. But he couldn’t recall if their kisses had made him weak in the knees like Kaidan’s did, or if they had made him _swoon_. Because that’s what was happening. As the man sucked his lower lip — then touched it with the tip of his tongue — Shepard could barely breathe.  
  
He hadn’t known he liked being overpowered.  
  
Kaidan had taken charge and he didn’t even try to seize the power back. It was in his instincts, but right now, like this, it didn’t even cross his mind. Instead, he let the man’s tongue into his mouth, helplessly grasping the front of the guy’s shirt, opening up and letting go.  
  
The Spectre slid his other hand down, fingers dragging the fabric, leaving creases around Blasto and his elcor companion until he could lift the shirt enough to bring his palm to Shepard’s naked waist. The sensation of having a rough, calloused hand on his bare skin sent shivers through the shorter man’s body, and then Shepard let out a grunt when Kaidan pulled him close.  
  
”Gonna give the security a damn good show,” he muttered, then cursed in his mind as he feared he had just ruined everything. But Kaidan just kept trailing his jaw with kisses, only pausing at his pulse to breathe.  
  
Shepard didn’t want to stop. And from the ragged breathing he knew Kaidan didn’t want to stop either.  
  
”Forget it,” Shepard decided, bringing his hand to the Spectre’s hair and mussing it. ”I don’t care.” Then he forced the man back up from his neck for another kiss, noses bumping until they got into the same rhythm again.  
  
Kaidan took Shepard’s shirt off.  
  
Shepard had not expected the raw want that he saw in his eyes, on his face, but it didn’t scare him at all. In truth, his own eyes probably mirrored the expression, his own pulse responded to Kaidan’s touch, his own breathing betrayed him the same way it betrayed the Spectre. They weren’t exactly in sync, but at least they danced to the same beat.  
  
Sort of.  
  
”I like your ass,” Shepard blurted out.  
  
Kaidan’s nails scraped his hip bones, moving to his back and downwards, palms flat against his butt. ”I like your ass, too,” the man whispered against his ear, the rough voice causing him to hiss a curse. Not only did the phrase, coming back to him, make him realize how damn stupid it was, it also sent heat down his spine and goosebumps on his arms.  
   
Kaidan pressed his leg against Shepard’s groin, and then it was just lips and rough hands, fingertips on bare skin and maybe a little bit of teeth. The bunk was even more comfortable than the sofa had been, earlier, even though Shepard found himself pinned between the mattress and the first human Spectre, neither of which were exactly soft.  
  
”Major Spectre Alenko,” Shepard murmured, hands pinned down, trying to continue with _Why don’t you take your shirt off_ when Kaidan kissed his chest like he had kissed his neck. With teeth. With the right amount of tongue.  
  
Shepard squirmed out of the man’s grip and pushed him until he could shift them around, his own knees around Kaidan’s hips, his fingers beneath the hem of the Spectre’s shirt. There was a scar on the man’s side but he didn’t ask; he was busy following his hands with his mouth, hot kisses on hot skin.  
  
When he finally got the shirt over the man’s chest and moved his hand to the guy’s nipple, mouth just below the other one, he swore a vein burst in his brain.  
  
So yeah, maybe he lost his ability to do anything for a while, staring at the piercing under his fingertips. Maybe all his blood was packed down to his dick. But Kaidan knew exactly how much he had not expected this, judging from his smug grin and the dry chuckle.  
  
 _Makes it more sensitive_ , the man whispered, and slowly instincts took over and Shepard managed to tear himself out from his haze. Still a bit rattled, he brushed the nipple, pinched it a little, and watched in fascination when the guy under him arched to his touch.  
  
 _Holy crap you’re hot,_ was the only thing he could think of.  
  
Kaidan really didn’t seem to care about being caught on the security cameras, and Shepard was determined to give the man a good time now that he finally had the Spectre writhing under him. Lips on the sensitive skin around the piercing, he licked and bit down, and the answering groan made him even crazier than he had been before.  
  
The man’s belt wasn’t that hard to open, even with trembling hands.  
  
He hadn’t expected anything when he had opened the door and seen Kaidan with the food and the drinks. Nothing like this at least, nothing like Kaidan under him, fly open, struggling to get rid of his own shirt for good. Nothing like his muscles, tensing and flinching beneath Shepard’s fingertips, or his chest hair, or the nipple piercing.  
  
Especially the nipple piercing.  
  
He moved backwards, sliding to his knees on the floor, pulling Kaidan closer to the edge. He mouthed the bulge through the cotton, hand still on the piercing like he could not get enough of it.  
  
When he moved the damp fabric out of the way and took the guy properly into his mouth, Kaidan cursed.  
  
It had been some time, but Kaidan was generous with his reactions, gasping and grunting when Shepard did something right. He wasn’t too loud, making just enough noise to make them both feel even hotter than they already did — and with that voice, it would have been a crime to remain silent through it all, anyway.  
  
When he twisted the nipple, Kaidan warned him with a groan that might have been words.  
  
Shepard had some trouble swallowing, but he didn’t spit. He was too bullheaded to.  
  
He brought the underwear up again before flopping beside the man, who was still lying on his back and breathing through parted lips. Cheeks red, eyes closed. Goosebumps on his sweaty skin.  
  
Shepard kissed him, still feeling the fireworks, still painfully trapped against his jeans, and Kaidan had no qualms in deepening the kiss. He must have tasted himself, and the idea made Shepard’s head spin even more. And that was even before the man pushed him down and touched him, popped the button open and zipped the fly down. Took his jeans off and kissed his neck while teasing him through the Cerberus-marked boxers; then pulled them down, too.  
  
Being completely naked in front of someone new was always an experience that had all the potential of turning awkward. But sucking the guy off made it easier, Shepard supposed, as he only felt the raw need and nothing else.  
  
”Major,” he commanded.  
  
Kaidan chuckled before taking all of him in a manner Shepard had never been taken before, and after, he was even more sure the first human Spectre was the most interestingly wicked person he had ever known.

 

——

 

The Normandy SR-1 was the most beautiful ship Shepard had ever seen.  
  
”So, Shepard, Cortez,” Captain Anderson of the Alliance spoke, standing right next to them. ”I hope you both realize how lucky you are.”  
  
Neither of the ex-Cerberus operatives could speak. It was one thing to not get arrested for the rest of their lives, and a whole other to get to work with the most talented people the Alliance had, on the most expensive and advanced ship they owned — and they were well aware of that. It was a reward they were not sure they deserved.  
  
Their stunned expressions were enough to convince Anderson. ”You’re not part of the Alliance, but you must obey our rules and regulations when you serve aboard the Normandy,” he told them, voice stern. Shepard liked him. ”And you two are not allowed to leave the ship without an accompanying Alliance officer when you land somewhere. When you complete your mission, you return to the Citadel and report to me directly, after which you’ll return to house arrest and we’ll take your co-operation into account when we decide what to do with you.”  
  
”Sounds reasonable,” Shepard mumbled, feeling numb. Steve still couldn’t speak.  
  
Anderson smiled, and for the first time Shepard could see it reaching the man’s eyes.  
  
”Thank you,” he said. Anderson nodded and turned, beckoning to James Vega who replaced him when he left.  
  
From what he had seen, Cerberus’ propaganda against the Alliance had been uncalled for. They were a strict bunch, that much was certain, but they were not unreasonable; people could quit and leave without assassins hunting them down, and that alone made them better than Cerberus. And they had kept them, him and Steve, safe — that was the other thing.  
  
”Steve.” Shepard breathed.  
  
Steve still couldn’t tear his eyes off the ship, but he had finally regained his ability to speak. ”I _know_.”  
  
James Vega chuckled. ”Should thank you two.” He flexed his muscles a little. ”I wouldn’t have been involved if I hadn’t been assigned to babysitting you two _pendejos_.”  
  
”Yeah, yeah.” Shepard turned around when he heard footsteps, seeing Kaidan in his Alliance blues; and damn if his face didn’t lighten up at the sight. ” _Hey_.”  
  
Kaidan didn’t get to reply before Steve muttered _remember you two, Alliance regulations_ and Shepard elbowed him. Vega saluted.  
  
”It’s going to be a rough ride,” Kaidan said, saluting back, either not hearing or caring about Steve’s remark. He stopped in front of Shepard, a respectable distance away, to gaze at the beauty in the hangar bay. ”So make sure you are ready. All of you.”  
  
”I’ve been ready for the last month,” Shepard told him, and only after the words were out of his mouth he realized he wasn’t exactly talking about the mission.  
  
Kaidan only gave him a crooked smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing and finishing this might have been the hardest thing I have done in a while, and I can hardly believe I actually managed to pull this off in the end. I hope you enjoyed reading the fic at least half as much as I struggled with it!


End file.
